How I Feel Most Days Without Words

Nick Van Woert Sculpture 

The Reasons I Love October

When I was a child I loved October for basically the same reason as every other kid, Halloween. Decorations, trick or treating, dressing up, hayrides, haunted houses & trails, and over dosing on sugar. Oh and there was my birthday as well. I haven't looked forward to that in awhile though because it always seems to suck badly each year especially since my Mom passed, so I'm almost scared for that date to arrive because there might actually be some real terror. Last year it was ending up in the ER and being admitted to the hospital for severe nausea, not being able to keep anything down, being dehydrated, and having a bad UTI as well. And that hasn't even been the worst birthday. But I'm rambling off subject as usual. 

As an adult most love it because of the change in the fall foliage, which I admit I do like, getting to decorate, and planning on taking their kids trick or treating and all that fun. Many men (and several women) around here love it because it heralds in deer hunting season. I, on the other hand, love the month for completely different reasons.

I have no munchkins to tote around and I've pretty much become a disabled, home bound person. And I sure don't care about hunting any deer even though there is a deer camp in my backyard basically. So thank God for the awesomeness in television programming that starts this month. I've always been a fan of the horror genre, even as a little kid, and loved being scared. As I've grown older this has only intensified.

The first television show on my list actually debuted this past Thursday night on the CW network in its fifth season, The Vampire Diaries. I'll admit to trying to read the books before the first season but they were way too juvenile for my taste (and I actually enjoy a great deal of young adult fiction). Thank goodness the show wasn't as juvenile. I have to admit the eye candy helped a great deal as well. And Paul Wesley who plays Stefan Salvatore is quite the looker, but my heart belongs to Ian Somerhalder who plays his older brother Damon Salvatore on the show. I do have to admit that I am glad they are having a spin off series called The Originals because there were getting to be too many vamps and story lines to keep up with lately. Not only does the show provide vampires, but there are also werewolves, witches, and hybrids. I also watched the premiere of The Originals the other night and think I may have to give it a shot as well. The fact that it is set in New Orleans helps quite a bit.

The second television show that has me chomping at the bits is FX's American Horror Story: Coven set to air October 9. The neat thing with the AHS seasons is that there is a completely different story every season and this is the third one. The first season Murder House was incredible. Excellent cast with the legendary Jessica Lange included. The second season Asylum was okay but it's almost like they wanted to throw every supernatural, crazy, kooky thing together in one show. I'm glad they brought back some of the actors from the first season, including Jessica Lange as the meanest nun you can imagine, but definitely not as good as the first season. However, I still enjoyed watching it. This season I have high hopes for, Coven. It looks like it will focus on witches in the wonderful and spooky setting of New Orleans as well as adding some real history to the show. I LOVE New Orleans. You would have to have visited and been down to the French Quarter a few times to understand how it is a world of its own. Heck, Louisiana is like a completely different country and NOLA is like the capital of the strange and wonderful in it. Jessica Lange is coming back again along with some other former cast members and of all people they are adding Kathy Bates as part of the main cast and Angela Bassett in a recurring role. I have to say I have become a big fan of Evan Peters as well who has been part of the main cast all three seasons.

The final television show that has me so excited with anticipation is the fourth season of AMC's The Walking Dead which airs on October 13. I have been a die hard fan of this series and can't believe the excellent writing, via Robert Kirkman and others, and characters cast in this show. People who don't even care about zombies like this show just because of the character development. Don't get me wrong though, there is plenty of gore served up by Greg Nicotero. The show is based on the comic books, which I have not read (maybe one day I will when I'm not broke and can afford to buy them) but apparently does not follow them to the letter by far. First of all they created the role of Daryl Dixon, played by Norman Reedus, when he auditioned for the role of Merle Dixon. Ironically he has become one of the most beloved characters of the show. First season he was a dumb redneck, but the kind you would want on your zombie Apocalypse team because of his excellent shooting skills with a crossbow. Second season he won the audience's hearts by looking for a lost 12 year old girl of the group. Last season he really stepped up and became a true part of the group realizing that you need others to survive and melting every woman's heart when he went out to find formula for Rick's newborn girl and taking her, feeding her, and dubbing her "lil asskicker" along with calling her "sweetie." We also learn that he was an abused kid who had a crappy home life. It should be interesting to see what this season brings for him. Another character I've found interesting to watch is Carol, played by Melissa McBride, who started off as a woman with a husband who beat her, lost her daughter, and was mousy and wasn't a survivalist on her own. Last season she really showed some gumption at taking matters into her own hands and this season it looks like she may really be an ass kicker herself. She has also been intricate in helping Daryl to not be the lone wolf. Some have wondered if there will be a Daryl and Carol romance. I suppose we shall see. Then there is Rick Grimes, the main character played by Andrew Lincoln. Poor Rick. He has had a long, hard road with waking up from a coma in the first season, to finding his wife (who did think he was dead) miraculously in a camp outside of Atlanta, to almost losing his son who was shot, to finding out his wife had been sleeping with his best friend and fellow police officer/co-worker before his arrival and that she was pregnant and it could be either of their's baby. Sadly he has to shoot his best friend, who loses it and wants to kill Rick and take his family, and loses his wife when she gives birth and he goes a little crazy. At least it's not a Ricktatorship anymore though and he seems to be pulling himself together. It looks like his son, Carl, played by Chandler Riggs, may take a dark turn though. I think Lincoln has done an excellent job with the role given him. And I sure cannot leave out my little buddy Glen, played by Steven Yeun. The Korean pizza delivery boy who turned into zombie bait and now has the love of the farmer's daughter. He's a character you can't help but root for, and I sure hope we don't lose him this season but you never know. Those are the only characters left from the first season. New characters have come and gone as well and Michonne, played by Danai Guira, came on at the very end of the finale of the second season and has turned into an interesting character with her sword welding self. This show deserves awards and the Emmy's should be ashamed of themselves for snubbing it continuously.

So those are my television shows. Also starting on October 13 is AMC's Fear Fest. Something I enjoy every year. Every day for the rest of the month the station will show scary movies. What more could a girl ask for in the month of October?

Damon Salvatore (Ian Somehalder) on The Vampire Diaries threatening Silas (Paul Wesley), who happens to look just like his brother who is his doppelganger. 

Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett),  Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange), and Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) in American Horror Story: Coven

Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus) in the upcoming season of The Walking Dead

A Condition That Gets You a WTH Look From Most

I have Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). Most people when I tell I have this look at me like what the heck did you just say. I'll admit I had never heard of it until the home health nurse visited me for the first time after I had to have an emergency decompression surgery for two slipped discs in my lower back that left me with a lot of symptoms that ironically, after I googled CES, found out why I had them. 

The problem is many health professionals including ER doctors do not have a clue either, which ends up with many having long lasting symptoms of this disorder and some becoming paralyzed even. There is a 48 hour window to get the pressure off the Cauda Equina nerve before there is permanent damage. I happened to be right at that 48 hour mark. I won't even go into the ignorance I experienced at the small town ER I went to and the pain I endured until I was transferred to where I received help.

I feel a sigh of relief when I say I have CES to a new doctor office and ask if they have heard of it and say yes. Explaining it can become exhausting. Of course not every CES person has the same symptoms so I still have to say the symptoms I have from having it.

Most people I know personally know I just have something wrong with my back. Sometimes it's easier just to let them think that instead of getting into the intricacies of my CES symptoms, which can be embarrassing to discuss. And I do have something wrong with my back. I was born with a congenitally narrow spine/shortened pedicles which caused me to have Degenerative Disc Disease which caused the two discs to collapse on the Cauda Equina nerve that caused CES when I was 34 years old.

It's been a hard, long road and will be seven years this month since it happened. Basically there is a three year improvement period of symptoms and what you still have after that you are stuck with. So I know I have to live with what I've been dealt unless there are new advances in spinal chord injuries and permanent nerve damage. You wouldn't believe how tickled I was when I could stand on my tippy toes for just a millisecond. Little things you took for advantage suddenly become monumental. I've had three back surgeries now and am looking at some more. Not to mention other things going on with my health at the moment that exacerbate the problem. I was lucky in that I can still somewhat walk, although I know the day is coming I will be wheelchair bound, and that I don't have to self-catheterize.

I would urge anyone with low back problems and especially ALL medical personnel to learn the symptoms so that people can get the help they need ASAP. There should be no excuse for doctors to not know about this condition, but don't count on it.

Hello Herman

So I finally watched the movie Hello Herman a few nights ago. (Of course since I live in the boondocks and have satellite Internet I had to wait until after midnight so I wouldn't use up my download threshold. Good thing I am a bit of an insomniac. It took me several days before I could complete this as well because of my health and extenuating circumstances, but hey, I got around to the thing eventually. Okay, totally off topic and I'll get back to the movie now.) I'll admit I am a big Norman Reedus fan especially with The Boondock Saints and the fact that I am a complete The Walking Dead junkie, so I'll try not to let that taint my review. Try. I should warn you though that there are MANY spoilers ahead. And of course this is NOT a professional movie review and is loaded with tons of my own anecdotes and opinions.

I was interested in the movie though since I did teach and witnessed bullying and know the effects it can have on students. I've always been a supporter of the underdog so picking on people or harassing them is a BIG pet peeve of mine. I suppose I could say I was bullied in elementary school for being the "smart kid" and also the pudgy one after I had surgery when I was seven years old. In Kindergarten and 1st grade it was for being too skinny and pulling at my underwear all the time because of a refluxing urethra tube and constant UTIs I had to take medications for that aggravated that oh so tender area....oh and for having to go to the bathroom all the time. There was even one girl who was in high school who taunted me on the bus that my mother did have to go up to the school and talk to the superintendent about. In junior high I went to a new school and it was more of a sexual harassment thing since I developed early. By the time I got to high school it was well known to leave me alone or I would stab you with a pencil if you touched me without my permission (true story) and most girls didn't bother me cause, well I was a stout girl, quiet, and was told in college by a guy that I was intimidating and he was scared of me until he got to know me so maybe I gave off that vibe. I do remember taking up for people though that got picked on. I had study hall with a mentally retarded girl that a guy a grade below me liked to taunt. One day he went too far and all I knew is I was flying over several desks, cussing him out, and ready to wring his neck before Coach came in and stopped it all. I was good at getting out of stuff like the pencil stabbing and the almost throat wringing incident because I was basically a good student and earned good grades.

Being a teacher you notice things as well. I will say there were several things I overlooked when someone would stand up to a bully and several I had a "coming to Jesus" talks as they called it out in the hallway with bullies about their actions. You do what you can as a teacher and report things and try to help but there are always going to be things that happen behind the scenes as well. Of course there are some teachers who are bullies themselves. I can remember my 4th grade teacher having the paddle with holes in it and giving birthday whippings that hurt like hell. She also taunted me for signing up for pee wee basketball saying I would be afraid of the ball. Teachers like that exacerbate the problem.

But school shootings didn't happen back when I went to school. Columbine was almost eight years after I graduated high school. And it's grown. People keep looking for the culprit(s) and answers. Is there any one answer? I don't know. Back to the movie though it addresses the issue of bullying. The shooter was a 16 year old who was pushed around, had his head dunk in the toilet of the school bathroom, had a girl he liked and liked him back pretend she wanted nothing to do with him around peers (peer pressure), and even had teachers telling him to man up. He had a broken home where the father left and the mother worked all the time and seemed more interested in climbing the ladder at work. He was left to his own devices and played violent video games. He saw his sister die in a horrific accident and couldn't even get his mother on the phone because she was a busy woman. The mother blamed the father for leaving of course. There is easy access to guns. Kids can look up how to make pipe bombs on the Internet. However, do these things add up to becoming a serial killer at such a young age as your peers?

I had a broken home. I had a dysfunctional home that I won't even get into at the moment. I watched violent movies and television shows. Very easy access to guns. I suppose I was not bullied at the high school level though.

I think we need to look at outside factors along with mental status of some of these kids. How many are getting pumped full of drugs that don't need them? How many are out there who have severe mental issues who really do need something? Doctors try to do quick fixes these days and many miss the mark. I can remember having a 7th grade girl in one of my classes who was being bullied by some other female students. I found a note that shocked me that was to her and gave it to the counselor. A few days in class I noticed she was like a zombie and completely out of it. I kept her after class one day and asked her what was going on. She told me she had been put on some new medicine. I talked with a counselor at the school and found out she was on an extremely high dosage of a SSI anti-depressant medication at 12 years old and she probably weighed 90 pounds soaking wet. She had been cutting herself since being on it also. Thankfully she was taken off it and seemed like the happy, normal preteen girl she was. How many are missed though?

The movie Hello Herman is good in itself in that it addresses multiple factors that people have been discussing that cause school shootings to happen. In this instance the shooter doesn't turn the gun on himself though and wants his story to be told by a reporter, Lax Morales (Norman Reedus), and sees this as a way to fame and immortality by killing 39 students and teachers. Lax has demons he has to face himself and Herman has read up about him on the Internet. While doing an undercover story into the KKK he helps to beat a black child to death. Apparently this was to keep his cover and to get the records of planned attacks to save hundreds more. I can't say I much blame his character for the nightmares and it brings in the question of morality. Do you hurt one person for the greater good? Is one human life worth the sacrifice? Especially trying to get your big break in journalism. Lax does show the two sides of Herman - the sweet child and then the cold blooded killer though.

Politics comes into play also in this movie. We have the ACLU fighting for the child's rights and a right wing senator promising to put an end to this sort of violence. The answer is an expedited televising of a live execution of Herman, via electric chair (not sure what happened to lethal injection). I sure hope this is not the answer to future school shootings, but can't deny that political factors are at play and each "side" uses such atrocities to push their agendas ad mist the chaos. Whether it is tougher gun laws, or as my state has recently decided to do - arm teachers in 13 school districts which scares the beejebus out of me in all honesty. People want answers and I'm not sure either "side" is interested in finding the true cause(s) of these horrible acts and ways to actually resolve them.

One thing I do like about the movie is the strong anti-bullying message it does send. That comes through loud and clear. I do commend the producers, directors, actors, and all other involved in making this movie for that. Would I show it in my classroom if I were still a teacher? Yes. Would the principal allow me? Probably not because of the use of the "N" word in the KKK scenes and the cursing. Maybe some school districts will not have a problem with it however, and perhaps it can help some out there to understand that bullying is a bad thing. Heck, if it helps even one understand that then it has accomplished something.